Posted by: jacksterja | 22 November, 2007

The Urban Zoo

I went to a work offsite yesterday, and several hours locked in a room forced to listen to some of the most boring presentations known to man inspired me to many, many observations. I thought I’d share.

 

Firstly, the same dilemmas occur every time you go to one of these things. You could put money on it.

  1. Not enough chairs at the back and too many at the front
  2. The fight over the water / mints / writing pads / dodgy pens that don’t work
  3. The dreadful state of the coffee
  4. The cranked-up-to-keep-everyone-awake air-conditioning

 

Similarly, there are the same characters that come along (or don’t) to this type of thing, regardless of who actually fills the role.

  1. The dinosaur – who has single-handedly reinvented the comb-over as the comb-around and has been with the company at least half a century.
  2. The ghost – who is always mysteriously “sick” when everyone else has to attend
  3. The spaceman – off in his own universe who just decides not to attend because he’s too busy and chooses to ignore the big bold “mandatory” mark on the invitation
  4. The Workaholic-holic – Always arrives for everything late and flustered and complaining about how much work they’re doing…despite the fact that they refuse to let anyone else help or sometimes even know what they do. Also often seen leaving the room to answer numerous phone calls since they’re sooo indispensable.
  5. The peacock – missed the memo about business attire and turned up in skin-tight leopard print and big eighties hair.
  6. The bulldog – has an opinion about everything and growls loudly enough that everyone else realises there’s no point trying to have a different opinion
  7. The whinger – regardless of improvements, good news or stellar results, this person’s glass is half-empty. Literally if you ask them.
  8. The Clayton’s Leader – couldn’t facilitate their way out of a wet paper bag. Struggles for half the session to decide where to put the butcher’s paper, spends 99% of the remaining time on 1 question, and hurries through the last 7 questions in the last 5 minutes.
  9. The zombie – attends every one of these things but resolutely refuses to participate. Won’t make eye contact with anyone, let alone answer a question, posit an opinion or participate in any activity. Last seen firmly sitting on own hands
  10. The piglet. Just there for the free food. Helps themselves to all the chocolate biscuits leaving only the iced vovos for everyone else. Has third helpings at lunch and two desserts, then asks for a doggy bag.

 

Have I missed any of these not-so-rare and exciting species?

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